19:58-The National Lottery. The ‘camp’ has already begun as Dale Winton’s effeminately dulcet tones provide just an enticing taste of what will ensue. As my family all take a moment to reflect on his recent weight gain, I sit with Budweiser in hand, laptop on desk, seatbelt securely fastened. I’m ready…
20.00-Apparently there’s strobe lighting. Who would have thought it?
20.02-Informed that Molly, the UK entrant, is the final contestant to perform. There goes any hope of clocking off early...
20.05-Now we meet our three presenters for the evening. The man with the slicked-back hair looks like the lovechild of Leonardo DiCaprio and Remus Lupin.
20.07-Voting via text and the Eurovision app is not available to British viewers. Is this some sort of European hint? According to this Morning’s ‘Today’ programme, votes from the recently annexed Crimea will count as Ukrainian, meaning they can vote for Russia! Apparently Eurovision is a calendar highlight in the Kremlin.
20.13-Here we go then! First song of the evening, and it is Ukraine that has the honour. The introductory video involves the construction of a flag perilously close to a railway line.
20.14-Why, oh why, is there a man in a hamster wheel? I had a hamster once. She died.
20:18-The entry from Belarus has a nice reggae feel to it. The band consists of five young gentlemen with spikey hair, like a sort of annoying ‘One Direction’, if you can imagine such a thing.
20:21-Azerbaijan’s entrants certainly know how to live on the edge, featuring a woman hanging from a trapeze while her ‘friend’ (perhaps in need of reassessment) advocates the starting of a fire
20:25-Iceland have a Member of Parliament on stage. Does this mean Eric Pickles will be making his Eurovision debut in the British entry? Or perhaps we should give Michael Gove a go on that trapeze and see how he gets on. Certainly has the potential to be wildly irritating. Verdict? My mum’s clapping. Infer as you will.
20:29-Judging by the Norway entrant’s eyes he’s either blazed or suffering from some exceedingly severe jetlag after flying in all the way from Norway.
20:30-I didn’t know Norway was so liberal a country, allowing escaped convicts to represent them
20:34-Romania. In case you didn’t catch that first time, “it’s a miracle”. I hear that, brother.
20:36-Key change!!! No doubt a flurry of people across the country see away their drinks, alcoholic or otherwise
20:37-The Armenian entry entitled “Not Alone” has a flavour of self-help meets positive visualisation to it. Reminiscent of a Rudimental track.
20:41-The singer from Montenegro appears to be speaking in some sort of gibberish. How inconsiderate.
20:45-Poland. Music? Or soft-core porn?
20:46-I’m being unfair. If you look really closely, you can actually make out some clothes.
20:49-The opening of Greece’s entry is reminiscent of Chopin’s Funeral March. This is perhaps appropriate considering the song’s title, “Rise up to the sky”. The song is likely a profound look at eschatological dilemmas, the rise and fall of the man on the trampoline representing the great irony of the philosopher’s quest to ascend to the intelligible realm, despite one’s ascension relying first on earthly sensibles.
20:53-Austria. Probably the best song yet with a James Bond-esque brass scream at the end. More importantly, what a beard. So plump and well-groomed. I could definitely grow one like that. Definitely. No problem. I just choose not to, that’s all. Anyway, on with Deutschland…
20:56-Apparently Germany ‘buy’ their way in to the Finals. The singer, donning a sort of wedding dress with a floral, leather jacket would certainly not look out of place in the English Faculty library
21:00-We’ve reached the one-hour mark as well-groomed spectacled man is back alongside recently-left-at-the-altar woman to have a look at the highest note in Eurovision history. Definitely an opportunity for a loo break…
21:04-On with Sweden. Clearly their song introduction was a bit last minute but that’s okay. The singer is ensnared in a sort of prison of beaming light. “Definitely top 5” is mum’s verdict. Only time will tell…
21:08-The French tell the story of a man who has everything but can’t grow a moustache. Certainly a facial hair theme running through the show tonight. Would probably make quite awkward viewing for anyone with facial hair insecurities. Surely deserved of the win solely for the mohican that would arouse even Jedward (I presume they arouse in tandem?)
21:12-Russia. This…is…bizarre. They’re hair is literally attached. Fortunately, the twins have saved it by wearing exactly the same thing, which is never weird.
21:16-Italy’s entrant is trying to rally the audience into some sort of clapping frenzy. They’re not really catching on, quite frankly. Perhaps should have put a little bit more thought into the camera angles considering the length of that dress…
21:20-Slovenia. Love a bit of flute to mix things up. Although, she rather looks as though singing is causing her a not so insignificant amount of pain.
21:21-Seriously, she’s in agony. Someone should probably check if she’s okay.
21:22-Oop, the flute’s back. Now she’s just sort of holding it, like a staff, Moses-style.
21:23-Finland-Entitled “Something better”. Let’s hope so.
21:24-That silver suit is to DIE for. There are an awful lot of lights. Thank goodness for the strobe warning.
21:28-Ruth Lorenzo, former X Factor contestant, takes to the stage for Spain. Poor girl is soaking wet! Surprisingly stationary for a song entitled “Dancing in the Rain”. Perhaps another deep irony; full of them tonight. This feisty matador is my favourite of the night.
21:31-Switzerland’s song has a slight folk feel to it. Verdict? They should definitely stick to chocolate. Speaking of which…
21:35-The young man representing Hungary tells us that ‘she’ (presumably denoting some rather desirable young woman) keeps on “running, running, running” away from him. One hardly need wonder why.
21:39-Malta. Why won’t he stop staring at me? Why me? Stare at someone else! Actually it’s…it’s kind of hypnotic…yes Malta…I’ll vote for you…you can have all the votes…
21:43-Denmark-A cliché love song. No, that’s the title. Token afro man in the background is loving it.
21:45-A thought has occurred. How does one go about auditioning for Eurovision? Perhaps the Blake Society should put forward an entrant…
21:47-Lisa the presenter is back trying to fill for a delay on the stage. She strikes me as about as natural as the flavourings in a packet of Percy Pigs
21:49-The Netherlands. Cheeky little guitar solo, although I can’t tell if he’s playing his guitar or grinding it. Who knows what this quirky little love-ballad is about!
21:52-The woman representing San Marino has represented her country for the last three years, never making to the final. Evidently failing to get the message, she is back and has this year reached the final! I have to admit the first minute of her performance was spent looking up exactly where San Marino is; I was struggling to find it in the middle of France. The Heart of the Ocean hangs boldly around her neck. Christ, she’d have sunk straight to the bottom. Give it an hour…
21:55—GREAT BRITAIN!!!-“Children of the Universe”. The moment we have all been waiting for. The thumping percussion jumps through the screen and reverberates around the room. Dressed like Pharaoh in a golden dress with black, high sandals, perhaps she will reign supreme… (I really am sorry)
21:59-That’s it! Let the voting, block or otherwise, begin! And as if that wasn’t enough, apparently the songs are all available to download online!
22:00-Before all this excitement gets too much, I’m going to bed.
I must admit, I did not have high hopes for my first Eurovision viewing, but I actually rather enjoyed myself. Conchita Wurst is a much deserved winner, it’s just a shame Molly wasn’t so well-received. All in all, when not taken too seriously, the contest certainly provides a thoroughly entertaining evening! Eurovision, I’m sold.